Something Possibly Magical...

I really wanna call time out! Its the holidays yet i’m heading back to school almost everyday. I’m so blardy tired. So stressed up with competition stuff somemore. So pissed off by the autocratic queen. Yet still have to slog my guts out for the project.

Band is fun but its sucking my life force out too. Camps are a real joy but the prepatory work piles up.

I just want a day off. Sleeping till i wake up naturally, lazing around the house, baking, cooking and watching drama. That’s what a holiday should be like! Everything, please PAUSE!

Couples, couples everywhere. Being that average looking girl, a boy would just glance through your face without even looking twice. Add on that height and strong personality? Trust me, they’ll simply stay away.

I don’t deny that when it comes to competitions, studies or presentation etc, im all about CONFIDENCE. Yet, when in comes to looks or relationships, my confidence level goes all time low.

Friends have told me to feel more confident when it comes to looks. But HEY! Who’s there to kid? I really am not that petite cute looking girl, not that sexy slim model nor that sweet simple girl next door. I’m just a plain looking jane with that really strong personality. I’m not worried about the cuts nor bruises i get while in a game, i’ll just want to win. I’m not like that girl that will start crying and yelping in pain that forces everyone to pause the game just for me to show me absolute attention. When i don’t get what i want, i accept it and find out what went wrong. I don’t whine until i get what i want. When i don’t understand something, i seek my answers from books and stuff, not go around asking for answers especially when its stated so clearly in the book.

Well, i once tried to not be this strong, but i ended up with cuts and bruises internally. I doubt i will want that to happen again. Im really not that type that will allow people to bully me. Anyway, sometimes, i feel as if some girls are really too weak and fragile. I mean, why so emotional? Somethings aren’t even worth crying for and i’m not just refering to relationships. For example, crying over a paper cut, crying over something small. Yeah really, im just not that kind of girl. I don’t like showing people my tears. I mean why show people your weak side?

Ok, so maybe that’s why guys wont go for me. Cause im too strong for them i suppose. Anyway, i suppose someday, i will find the happiness i deserve and that someone will look at me beyond my exterior and strength. After all, for an averge looking person like me, when someone likes you, they really like you for who you are and not for your looks only.

She’s disappeared. The oh so pathetically weak girl that tried so hard for a mere being. Gone were the days her tears fell, gone were the days her heart sank, gone were the days she felt so alone.

She’s back, stronger than before, much more independent and much more determined. Her eyes burning with passion, her feet positioned to pounce on her dreams, her head all in the game.

Who could tell that she was that weak pathetic soul that everyone sympathised with? Beyond that wimpy facade of hers laid this ferocious tigeress with eyes locked onto her prey, she’s ready to take on the world.

My scripting feel is back but at the wrong time. :( So busyyyyy. I wanna write like i used to when im bored! RAWRRR!!! Missed having so much writing inspiration. HAHAHA had a huge writer’s block for a long period of time. All the creative juice had gone dry. Well, i suppose its back again! ^^

Results for O levels were out a few days ago. Reminds me about the joy when i first received my results and the troubles of thinking about where i should proceed to next.

Firstly, im going to be quite straightforward and tell people that feel that they didn’t do well this: SUCK IT UP AND STOP CRYING! Crying is not going to solve ur problems nor turn back the time. It will also disrupt ur thoughts so suck it up and start thinking where u want to proceed to next.

JC, a place i wanted and could enter but eventually decided not to. Simply because i was not confident enough to say that i will do well in one. Furthermore, i know what i want in the future. What for do i waste 2 years mugging hard in a JC leading such a stressed up life.

Poly, i was cheated by the slack look. It was never slackish. The ppl here just knew how to work hard and play hard. I never regretted coming here. In fact, i have learnt alot in my days here so far. I believe i benefitted more than i would have been in a JC.

BUT! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND JC IF U HAVE NO IDEA WHAT U URSELF LIKE! Poly would be boring crappish ongoing lectures and tuts if u are not interested in ur course.

I still want to know how its like to be in a JC but i dont regret coming into TP and being in AMS! AMS FOR LIFE!

So… yesterday(since its already after 12) my 2 good friends got attached to each other! And IM REALLY VERY HAPPY FOR THEM! ^^

The guy, my Freshman Orientation camp Group Leader, AMS senior and Vietnam trip senior!

The girl, one of my girlfriend that is of the same height as me which allowed me to click with her really easily!

NOW THE BOTH OF THEM ARE ATTACHED! TO EACH OTHER! IM REALLY HAPPY FOR THEM!!! XDDD

He’s a really nice guy and she’s a really nice girl and I feel OH SO HAPPY FOR THEM!

Anyway! My girlfriend being attached and seeing her so happy makes me really hopeful. I always thought that girls like me (the height and size) will never find someone that will actually like us. BUT I WAS WRONG! Them being together makes me really hopeful! He’s just a little taller than her, they are of different races but they got together despite the differences!

Anyway! Really glad that they are together! I know someday, it will be my turn. I just have to wait for the right guy and the right time. :)

HOPE THEY LAST LONG! REALLY SWEET COUPLE! ^^ OH GOSH SO DANG HAPPY FOR THEM!

Inner peace, as one of my close friend have said is not found but harnessed. I’ve always told myself to find it. Result: I couldn’t find it. For a very simple reason that I myself couldn’t see without my friends help. The method that i thought was finding my inner peace was actually escaping, which obviously did not work out.

I was told that escaping wasn’t the answer. Initially, I assumed that what I did was not escaping but putting my thoughts aside to focus on the bigger picture. I left those thoughts aside, but i now realise that those thoughts have became a barrier for me to move forward. I was indeed escaping and those thoughts escalated.

I swore to myself, I’m going to face it. Face those thoughts. Yet, when i face it, its going to be a time where everything else that i stand to lose will not get affected. I found it, that time: after Term Test.

Now that I’m half way through term test, I’m starting to get cold feet. What if i just continue to ignore those thoughts? It won’t haunt me for long right? Part of me however, is still determined to carry out this harnessing of inner peace. I will need it, if i want to proceed. Because of a simple reason, I may be living physically in Dec 2012 but soulfully, mentally, thoughtfully, I’m still stuck in Dec 2011 and Jan 2012. This cannot go on.

So, all I need is that ounce of courage. To go face my fears, my thoughts, however things may happen. For that ounce of courage will bring me far.

We mature as days go by, from babies to toddlers, to young kids, to teenagers to young adults as we are now. Similarly, our parents grow older too. Just that, they no longer mature, they simply age away.

Its the month of December already, looking back, i realise that i’ve changed and grown. I became a young adult that is more matured in terms of thoughts. I became more realistic which makes me wonder if its a good or bad thing.

This year’s been really eventful. One event led to another without any time for a breather. I watch my great grandma’s passing, I watched as my paternal grandma go in and out of the hospital countless times, i watch as my maternal grandma go from mobile to partially immobile etc. It was really eventful in a negative way. Of course, there were positive sides to the year too.

I sorted out my dreams, working hard to achieve my goals. I don’t deny that this journey in pursuing my dreams had been really smooth thus far. Yet, as I mature, much more things had been brought to light which makes me obliged to work even harder.

The wrinkles, the white hair, the haggard look. These are what I see on my parent’s face. The burden of taking care of a total of 4 parents, a maid to care for the elderly and 2 kids both in poly is taking a toll on them. There’s no way I could have turned my eyes away from this fact. I worry for the financial situation at home, yet i remain helpless. Hospital bills, salary, allowance, school fees and many other bills pile up. My parents job seems to be holding on to these bills well but their job is definitely the cause of their grey hair and wrinkling skin.

The only possible way i can help my parents is to study hard, maintain my scholarship so that they have one less school fees to worry about. Its the bare minimum i can do. The other worry is that when i’m done with my poly education, my brother would also be done with his NS, this might mean 2 sets of university fees to worry about. Which is why, i feel obliged to take up so many activities so as to pursue a scholarship in university. Many don’t understand, they just think that its me being nosey by involving myself in so many things. This journey, i wouldn’t deny is lonely…

Ever since school start, i’ve been busy busy busy busy busy. Im not just physically tired but also mentally tired. Everyday, i go to bed wishing that I can sleep till i naturally awake. Everyday, i wake up to a brand new day with assignments screaming in my face.

I feel so tired i somehow feel that every one is against me. Which I know is not true. I drag my feet out of my bed with a shadow of disapproving stares. My esteem no longer have the energy to fight back.

Currently, there’s only two sides to me. Tired to a point i behave crazily or simply exhausted. This crappishly busy life is sucking the life force out of me and leads my life to wonder.

Thoughts fills my already messed up head, adding on to the burden that already weighs down on my shoulder. These thoughts aint even important. They are so random and most of them reflects on how i judge myself.

My life seems smooth to others without setbacks as i appear to breeze through things day by day. Behind this facade lays a limp and wimpy kid that struggles through her hectic scheldue leaving nothing but an empty shell of her.

I fear of losing myself, to the hustle and bustle of this life people view as a myraid of colours. It is a vibrant life indeed, but through the vibrancy I lost the me that yearns for a simple life without drama.